The BA Stalker

What would this world be without stalkers? Well I think a much more pleasant place. Ok, I have been in Stellies for almost two years now and straight from the get-go, when I and all the other first years were making our way to our respective faculties, aimlessly floating down the corridors, as our eyeballs went crazy with intrigue, watching and observing all the new faces, I noticed something was up.

The BA Faculty houses some of the strangest looking people you will ever see. As most of the BA students are artistic and culturally orientated, they feel free to express their inner personalities for the entire world to see, letting their desires of Mohawks, tattoos, Satan worship and Asian style platted beards flourish. At first I was taken aback with this concept of liberty and eccentricism, but now I have come to love and enjoy the spectacles of the “Lettere en Sociale Wettenskappe gebou.” Every day is like going to the circus, as Elvis (an alternative bloke with dark hair that has a striking blonde Elvis curl, which bounces on his forehead with every step he takes,) Sumo (A morbidly obese dude who dresses like the drummer of Slipknot,) Riana (a coloured girl who is very pretty, but has shaven half her hair off and spikes the other side, who comes equipped with a lip, eyebrow and nose ring and a tattoo of a crown on her left arm.)

Then we have the Drama students who persist on wearing their costumes to class, I’ve seen everything from a fairy to a Roman Emperor. The B.A faculty is a mad house and holds the breeding grounds of Homosexual relationships and nicotine addicts- (picture Will and Grace, Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson chewing a bat combined). I am proud to say the BA faculty has the most diverse group of students. The Poppies, the Hippies, the Loners, the “My grandma knits all my clothes” people, the Fat and Proud, the Emo’s, the Goths, the Anime’ freaks, the “I do art so I’m gonna make sure you see my clothes full of paint,” the Jocks and sport fanatics, the Covered Muslims, the Wanna be Rappers and the Nerds. Oh and don’t be surprised if you don’t understand what someone is saying; The BA faculty is home to international language studies, so often I find myself surrounded by German, Mandarin, Greek, Spanish, French or Nederland’s speaking students.

I have come to terms with the variety we shelve and absolutely love the array of strange individuals. But there is just one certain someone who I can’t stand. “The BA Stalker,” “BA Legend,” “Die Hard” or “The Ginger Burgie.” He goes by all of these names, if you have never encountered him, well then you are definitely not a BA student. This creep lurks through the hallways, with his beady eyes alternating from side to side as he preys on poor pretty girls. He wears the same fucking outfit every fucking day – a dark shirt with a white long- sleeve school shirt over, brown pants and black scuffed farmer-style shoes, AND HE STINKS!!!

Many stories have circulated as to why he lives at the BA. He doesn’t seem like a student because no-one has ever had a class with him, he carries exactly one book, does fuck all in Humarga, except for sitting at a pc and gazing around, and if he is a student and can afford tuition fees, why the hell cant he afford a new change of clothes? No-one has ever heard him speak and he looks like an old, poor- white, car guard from Strand who has a red complexion from sun damage or alcoholism.

Why in Randy Jacksons name has no one ever beat the diarrhoea out of this fuck head??? Probably because they feel sorry for  the mentally retarded, because that is what he has to be if he is a 30 year old man who has nothing better to do than walk around, pretending to be a student, stinking up the corridors and prowling on girls. Holy smokes! If only one could draw the line somewhere, cause that shit is whack! Not only is he the only adolescent Wranger that I have ever seen, but the way he watches human interaction- without displaying any himself, seriously makes my intestine shudder.

If anyone has information as to whom he really is, please drop a comment. I can only imagine him being called Slitherin or Sméagol. I wouldn’t be surprised if I came back to visit my beloved faculty in 10 years time, that the “BA Stalker” would still be there, attracting flies and married to the tuck-shop lady, still stalking as powerful as ever.

Wanted: Home and Family

Now my parents love me, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes they have a seriously funny way of showing it. I don’t know what it is but every time a long weekend is on the horizon, they make me seriously question their paternal instincts…


This stemmed from the Easter long weekend - A weekend all about FAMILY and family unity. Well, they went away, inviting me BUT informing me that they had given my bed away to someone else so I would have to make a plan or sleep on the floor. Well fuck that. I should be first priority! I am their one and only daughter for Christ sake, and a lady at that! Nevertheless, without hesitation, they left me behind. I was abandoned with no family and an empty house.


Now, another long weekend is in store. While having a lovely family supper last weekend my father politely informed me,
“Mom is going away, I can’t deal with your shit, therefore, don’t come home this weekend. Yes, you are temporarily kicked out.”

Well gee wiz, that was uncalled for! I’m the perfect daughter, hardly given them a grey hair in their time, and what do I get for it, kicked out. Awesome…Still reeling I retaliated with,
“Well that’s fucking awesome, what am I supposed to do about clothes?” Whereupon he replied with, “I’ll give you half an hour every two days to come and fetch some.”

I mean, is this a joke!?! What the fuck is going on! DAD!!!


My usual strategy with him, when I am not getting my way, is to threaten him with a pregnancy. It hardly ever works but what else is there to go on? So I gave it my best effort.

“Dad, if you kick me out where am I supposed to go!? My friends are all busy so I will have to find a random STRANGER who will take me home. A stranger whom I will have sex with him ALL weekend. Who knows what that could lead to, a pregnancy perhaps? Another child that YOU would have to pay for and look after because it was your fault?”

I was sure I had won, knocked some sense into him…
He looked up, unphased, and replied,
“Well as long as you don’t come home I don’t care what you do.”

Well that’s fucking great. So now I have a ‘family’ but no home. Can we not find a balance please? And maybe some love? Some care? SOME HUMANITY!?


Maybe I just need to find myself a new home, and a new family. Any takers?


          Alice xxx

If being a student is supposed to be the best time of one’s life, why is everything so shit? I think I have fallen into that dark pit they call despair, where everything is bleak and the sun light seems to dim with every ticking second. I’m not trying to be melodramatic here, but fuck, I need a break. Exams start in two weeks and they seem to be a looming force, peaking over jagged rocks. These jagged rocks have sharp points that could pierce through even the toughest flesh, and are known as; Essays, Assignment and Tutorial tests.

Lecturers are lazy sons of bitches who leave everything to the last minute and thus decide that the last two weeks before exams should be filled with tasks to build up a predicate mark. Why they couldn’t do this a month ago, I have no clue. So right now I picture myself climbing over the jagged rocks, making my way to the looming exams, but I’ve managed to stumble, and am currently impaled between hundreds of sharp, stony spears, two of which are gouging out my eyeballs. Yes, I have a none- stopping migraine that is located in the sockets of my eyeballs, because of staring into the bright, white screen of my lap-top for 14 hours in two days, as I type never ending essays and pointless assignments.

My social life has not only gone to a ball of shit, but typing this blog, in the hope that someone will read it, will be the most contact I’ve had with the human race, this whole week. My legs feel dead from sitting in one place for so long, and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to need physio just so I can walk again properly. My only exercise is walking to the fridge to eat or drink something. Not only am I getting fat, but now I have no more food, and I’m broke.

Furthermore, my parents don’t want anything to do with me, every time I ask for a little extra cash to sustain myself, I get told I’m spending too much. It’s funny how all the times I asked for extra cash before, because I spent too much money on booze and cigarettes, it was so easy to get it. But now, when I’ve been doing my best to be a moral academically focused student, I must starve. Oh the unjust life we live. I’ve lost my friends, my parents and my money, what more can happen? Ah, that’s right, my car has decided to kick the bucket and has started fucking- out (apparently my alternator is screwed). So what do I do, seek comfort from my boyfriend? No, he loves ‘Pokémon Pocket Monsters’ more than me. When will these serrated, spikes release me from their painful hold?

As I have been spending the past week inside my quaint little flat, I caught myself inventing new methods of procrastination and entertainment. I thought I would share a few, in case you would like to try them:

1. Pluck your toes hairs, one by one- even if they are blonde and you can’t see them.

2. Learn the lyrics to ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’- because they are damn hard to hear.

3. Look up a word in the dictionary that you don’t understand, and then just start reading the whole book, for interest sake. (I now know what pyaemia means: “blood poisoning caused by pus-forming bacteria in the bloodstream)

4. Count the amount of white cars that drive past your window.

5. Look underneath your bed, you are bound to find something interesting. - I found a condom wrapper, some stale chips and an SL magazine.

6. Try and tie your hair up with a pencil, like they do in the movies- took me a good half an hour long.

7. And finally just stare out of your window, day-dreaming while tapping your teeth with your pinkie finger (I did that for fucking ages)

After I post this, the donkey labour continues- my brain is starting to fry, when exams start I’m not going to have anything left but mere ash. At least the clouds are crying for me, it just means winter is approaching though, another depressing concept to add to my list.

Queen <3

Haiti Tribute - We Are The World

We were taught to make collages in Grade one, and for those fast learners they may have even come to grips with the concept in pre-primary. On first learning about them I was a bit perplexed, it seemed rather bizarre. I mean, why would my teacher want me to cut out a whole lot of my favourite things from a magazine, and paste it all on one single page with no particular order or pattern? Had I been moved to the special needs class or something?


Well no, I hadn’t. I had just been taught how to make my first collage. Since then I have warmed up quite mightily to the idea because for someone who is highly unorganised and messy it is right up my alley. I aced that shit from that day on.


Well girls and boys, today I bring you the best collage ever!!! Well it’s not as good as the one we made of different sex positions but VERY nearly. VERY nearly. That’s saying something. Although come to think of it, it’s not really a collage at all. Maybe a montage. Ok it’s a fucking tribute.


It’s a tribute to the people of Haiti. Quincy Jones got all the biggest legends in the singing business to sing Michael Jackson’s – We Are the World. It’s bloody beautiful. Gives me goose bumps, no lies. The only problem (well it’s a good thing, but it sucks for my broke ass) is that in order to download it you have to pay, all the proceeds go to Haiti.


Simon Cowell is rather jealous and is saying that he is going to make a remix that will top this, but it’s going to be difficult. I mean imagine one song sung by; Celine Dion, Lionel Richie, Stevie Wonder, Jennifer Hudson, Josh Groban, Justin Bieber, Tony Bennet, Mary J Blige, Janet Jackson, Barbara Streisand, Miley Cyrus, Enrique Iglesias, Jamie Foxx, Pink, Usher, Randy Jackson, Orianthi, Fergie, Mary Mary, Lil Wayne, Carlos Santana, Akon, T-Pain, Will.i.am, Snoop Dog, Busta Rhymes, Iyaz, Kanye West, Kid Cudi, Jonas Brothers, Jason Mraz, Jordin Sparks, Vince Vaughn, George Lopez and many more! It’s like a dream come true. It’s basically a collection of the biggest legends on the planet. Except for Justin Bieber. I’m not exactly sure why he is there, AND he opens it up! I’m hoping it’s because he is a kid and a symbol for all the youth out there, or for hope, or for something along those lines, and not because people think that in this WHOLE month that he has been ‘famous’ he can now be seen on the same level as Celine Dion and the likes. If so, I will curl into a ball and slit my wrists- much like an emo kid would do. Except I would have reason for it.


So here it is, Michael Jackson’s “We Are The World”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glny4jSciVI&feature=fvst

How great is that! Loving it. On that note, Simon Cowell - BRING IT!!!!


       Alice XXX

Anton Taylor Ladies and Gentlemen!

And you say we act like animals...

"We look down upon Stellenbosch as the drunken vagrants of tertiary education."

Coming out on top: UCT wins again

Written by Anton Taylor    Thursday, 08 April 2010 09:44 At the time of writing this I, like many other UCT students, am doing my best to come to terms with the loss of the Ikeys in last Monday’s Varsity Cup Final. I would love to say that it is just a game of rugby, and that I don’t care about what happened, but sadly, I cannot. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, the game meant a lot to me, as it did to thousands of us, and I really, really wanted us to win.(but you didn't) We had fought so hard (Bullshit!) and a loss was always going to be heartbreaking, especially when we came so close to taking the cup. (I agree that our boys were not up to their usual standard, but in stating this, it just shows how pathetic UCT is, because we should have lost- with all the ball dropping and shitty passes, but we didn’t, because even with all our flaws, UCT still managed to do worse.) The second, and probably bigger, reason that our loss irks me so much is because of the way in which people seem to assign to the result of the game some measurement as to which university is better (and I use the word ‘university’ very lightly, in fact rather ironically, when referencing that torpid hell-hole of ‘academic’ squalor). (I have no idea where this information is coming from because Varsity Rugby has nothing to do with academics or the level of the University as such. Ikeys and Maties are merely rugby club teams that can be joined by any person within a certain age gap who has skills, therefore representing the area of Stellenbosch and Cape Town rather than just the Universities.) I generally seek to avoid mentioning such repulsive places in my writing, but I can no longer do so. We need to have the Stellenbosch talk. I have to clear things up, and you need to know this: UCT has always been, is, and always will be, superior to Stellenbosch. In all endeavours, including rugby, UCT wins. (Your over ambitious statements have no factual proof, so stop blowing steam out of your arse. Stellenbosch is renowned for its traditions and camaraderie. Something that UCT does not and never will posses. I do not need to describe Stellenbosch to any of you that have been there. If you were there last Monday you would have experienced the hate, the bigotry and the absolute bloody barbarism of its inmates. You were probably pelted with cans as you walked out of the stadium and, if you walked in alone (as I once did) - (and always will, because you are a sore little loser.), you would probably have been pushed into the fence or thrown to the ground by hordes of drunk, red-faced shouting dogs. If you were with a girl, a big gang of them might have come up to you and sworn at her, hoping you would retaliate so that they might beat you to a pulp. (The things you are mentioning happen all over the world when people get drunk. You have no right to generalise Stellenbosch like this. I come from Cape Town and most of my very good friends are in UCT, it is foolish of you to think that shit does not get out of hand in your part of the woods. I can assure you that if there were any fights or 'bullying' behaviour going on, it was probably caused by sad, aggressive UCT students, whom, like yourself were so let down about how crap your team administered the game, that the only way to let this aggression out was to look for trouble with a joyous, happy Maties drunkard. Either that, or your face is really offensive and grotesque and me myself would not even think twice before sticking my foot in it- not because you are from UCT, but because you are ugly, please stop taking your personal issues out on us. The students here are passionate and vibrant. They wouldn’t waste their time kicking a random dude’s ass for no reason when they could be out getting jiggy) Every time I’m in Stellenbosch I find myself waiting for somebody to run up to me and go, “It’s a joke! It’s a joke! This isn’t real!” When I hear ‘Die Stem’ blaring through residence windows, and guys in cars are driving past and calling us ‘k-lovers’, I keep waiting for somebody to tap me on the shoulder and go, “We really had you going there! You didn’t actually think that this could really happen in South Africa in 2010, did you?” Yet nobody ever does. (Being the cleaver UCT student that you claim to be, you are doing something really stupid! By seeing Stellenbosch students as racist you are only encouraging the problems we have in South Africa today. You know it is not true, Stellenbosch, just as UCT is rich in different cultures, I have many black, Indian and Asian friends who do not, even slightly feel threatened at this University. What is your problem? The only type of discrimination going on is coming from you- 'Die Stem' is enjoyed throughout the Afrikaans communities and maybe it's not so much the University you have a problem with, but Afrikaners?? So let’s look at some hard facts, some of which you already know: 1. In the international rankings, Stellenbosch ranks hundreds of positions below UCT. Where exactly it falls is hard to tell, because the rankings generally stop after 500. (Coming into Stellenbosch University, every single student is aware that their degree will not be internationally recognised although some of them are. It is a choice of life we make. I personally plan to graduate from Stellenbosch and work in South Africa to bring something to the table and hopefully contribute to South African stance in the world, as we are the leaders of tomorrow. But in the real world, if a Stellenbosch student were up against a UCT student, applying from the same job, internationally, the UCT student would be Axed. If you are a representative for UCT, then I don’t think you stand a chance in hell because of your sheer arrogance and aggression.) 2. Stellenbosch is easier to get accepted into. Anybody who has applied to UCT knows that, and  they also know how dubious and tired it becomes when some partially-retarded tool tells you, “I went to Stellies because it’s so much more fun than UCT.” (Fuck you are so egotistical and retarded! Are you seriously blaming someone for trying to get a proper education? If someone has applied to UCT but didn’t get accepted, should they just forget about their future and give up because "UCT is the best university and any other university will never be enough" look at yourself, you utter prick! How many people out there are trying to better themselves and become something, but no, they get mocked! You are pathetic.) Secondly- Stellenbosch is sooooooo much more fun! no one can deny that and you actually don’t have a say in that matter as you clearly don't know anything about Stellenbosch because you obviously do not and never will have any friends here, whom you can visit and experience Stellenbosch completely.) 3. At Stellenbosch rugby is everything, however, at UCT our Sports Council is seemingly intent on crippling our rugby side. Our budget is no more than R350 000. Theirs is nearing R6 million. We are an academic institution playing against a sports academy. We are accountants and engineers playing against full-time rugby players with degrees in BA Finger-painting. So the fact that we so nearly beat them, and that we one day will beat them, is a disgrace and humiliation to the students of Stellenbosch. If you think about what we did with what we have, UCT wins. (Don’t take the fact that you have a shitty budget out on us, money does fuck all when you are out on the field. there it is down to raw talent, hard work and determination. I'm not suggesting that UCT rugby does not possess these qualities, but we are just better. Further, if your “accountants and engineers” find it so hard to win a game and keep up with practise times, then maybe they should stick to the books and leave rugby to the guys who live and breathe it.) When we lose it hurts, it chokes and for a while it sits on your shoulders, but that’s part of life. And part of being a UCT student is dealing with that pain, painting on some more blue, enduring their bigotry and beer cans, and continually supporting our boys, even during the wind-swept games without alcohol on the Green Mile. We do this because in our hearts we know that we are better. And if we can suffer, carry on and contest against rugby teams with far superior resources, can you imagine what will happen when we take that resolve and put it behind the best academic teachings on the continent? It’s actually unfair. (I’m all for pep talks, bring the positivity back, your pain must be too great to handle, so great in fact, that you are trying every single irrelevant excuse in the book as to why you didn’t perform. Nothing that you say to make you feel good about yourself again will change the score board, our budget, international recognition and teaching has absolutely nothing to do with your inadequate rugby team, and you know this, therefore you bring up pathetic, untrue excuses- fuck, how broke up about this can one person be?) But perhaps we should let them take their victory in the final. Let them savour that fleeting happiness while it lasts. Let them keep their dumb, muck cheerleaders and their biased MC’s. Let them drink brandy and talk about how they beat the souties and the blacks. (The only reason you think our cheerleaders are “dumb” and “muck” is because they wouldn’t settle for your sad ass, and yes, we shall continue to drink our brandy until we pass out, and we will have good clean fun! I am a “soutie” and Stellenbosch, with its Afrikaans heart and soul is my fucking wonderland! Never have I ever seen a Stellenbosch student beat up a person just because they are black, or English. You have no evidence, no right and no brain!)   Because, deep down, beneath that bravado, beneath the red faces of the men, and the make-up caked veneers of the women (women, not ladies), as they choke on that stale, old air of the past, they know what the future holds. They know that soon enough they will be flung out of their all-white racist enclave into a country and world which has moved on without them and which has no place for them. (You are the one who is left behind! In a time where people are trying desperately to dim down racism and create a unified South Africa, you come in with your unsubstantiated remarks and petty comments. You have crossed the line in attacking us personally- the women and men from Stellenbosch are part of the make-up of South Africa. They come from far and wide to attend one of the most unified and prestigious universities. These people are all around you, all around the world. You are alienating yourself like a fool. Less than 5% of the students come from Stellenbosch itself. They are from everywhere and they fucking love it here. Now, either you are a first year and don’t know how things work or you just have a way of making yourself believe in the impossible- but Stellenbosch Maties have been unbeaten for a few years now, and I am quite confident in saying that it shall remain that way for many years to come. As the ill and old desperately cling on whilst feeling that cold dark death pulling them downwards, so too let these pitiful creatures frantically hold on to their dying way of life. For soon they will realise that their degrees don’t cut it overseas. (Neither does your attitude and screwed up perspective) Soon they will be serving the spoilt UCT first-years drinks. Soon they will be calling a black woman ‘boss’. And perhaps, in the midst of that great bleakness, it might make their pitiful existences a bit less depressing to think that they beat us in rugby a couple of times. (As humble as our University, I will humbly say that that may so be true. If serving spoilt UCT first years means we can take your money and earn ourselves and honest day’s work then so be it. And why do you mention “calling a black woman “boss” as a negative connotation? That is very possible considering the rise is women’s rights, leading to their higher stance in society. Or were you referring to the fact that she is black? Does that matter? Are you ultimately racist?) We are standing upon the mountain as the leaders and creators of the future South Africa, and world. We look down upon Stellenbosch as the drunken vagrants of tertiary education. We are harder to get in, we are stronger academically, we are more diverse, we are more peaceful, we are braver, we will be richer, and despite their desperate proclamations, our girls are much prettier. (If you; a conceited, discriminative, stereotypical, egotistical, presumptuous kid, considers yourself a future leader in South Africa, then this country is looking pretty bleak. Your racial and uninformed remarks are disgusting and distasteful. You are exactly the kind of person this country and its people are trying to get away from. Your perceptions and notions about students in Stellenbosch lead one to believe that you have personal insecurities that need to be dealt with and that you are definitely not a candidate who can make these kinds of statements in the public eye, as you bring negativity, irrationality and disgrace to our land and UCT should be ashamed of you.) UCT wins. UCT wins. UCT wins. Anton is a sore loser. Anton is a sore loser. Anton is a sore loser.

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!

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The Queen has been absent for a while now, I do apologise- But not to fear, your favourite blogger is back, with a few interesting tales to tell...

Recently I have been greatly influenced my Alice... I think I'm turning into her, by “her” I mean a lazy, retarded fool who can never miss out on the action, no matter how much work she has, as her priorities in life are utterly fucked. Her moral compass is so bent and twisted, that you would end up slamming your face into the south -pole before finding north.  I fear that my moral compass might be getting more and more crooked by the day, which is really bad considering exams start soon.

Last night was a mistake! No matter how you look at it, there is no way in hell that I should have gone out, what with my 4 tests and 3 assignments due next week, and the fact that my bank balance is really shitty. One would think that I should have a text book permanently stapled to my forehead, not shaking my sweet ass in Terrace while getting drinks spilled down my shoes. A fight! Just remembered the fucking fight. Some dumb blonde (as they all are) decided to stir shit with some of my leading ladies, and that was not on! She looked stupid, fucking stupid, her face covered in red paint- as if been mauled by a bear, where only her round, beady eyes shone through, looking around the club, like an Afghanistan terrorist- for her next prey. This racoon came out of no-where. Fists started flying, kicks were dealt and a lil hair pulling too- me not being involved of course, I believe in love and sex, not aggressive outbursts. However, upon hearing about this and spotting the little trouble maker, I was so ready to leave a knuckle imprint in her nose. A song I dig started playing, I got easily distracted, and she was gone. Lucky bitch.

By now every girl was acting like a Jackrussel on heat. All hyperactive, feisty and wanting a hard fuck. As I spin around (while standing still) I noticed that everyone was beefing- so we left. The next part is just a blur filled with Walt Disney songs, a half-naked, drunken Buda and Hermits excessive tea making. This blur was interrupted by a security guard coming to shut us up; apparently we are not allowed to make noise after 4am, who knew?

I have a neighbour across the road that has the pleasure of catching a glimpse of my naked body whenever I run from my room to my shower and I’m happy to say that there are no hard feelings. She was over here, drunk and loving life! Swaying and trying to communicate, I made a promise never to shut my curtains, should I be unclothed. At about 5:00 am people started fading. Random dude left with my Neighbour, Buda left with Jolie’: only to get bounced... wasn’t so bad though, the lucky soul got to spend the rest of the morning listening to sexually frustrated girls talking about raucous, uncontrollable sex- he passed out on our couch.

 Now Alice might bring the Hell Hound out of me, but I just got to love that bitch! We passed out at 6am and spent the whole morning spooning, I missed the most important lecture of my year and now I am too hung-over to work and will spend the rest of my day eating and ‘getting off’ to Hank Moody in Californication. Sweet deal.

Queen <3

Fun Fact Of The Day:

They say that you learn something everyday, well I’m not entirely convinced... I’m sure that there has been a day in my life where I have learnt absolutely nothing. You further prove my point because there is no possible way that you have gathered more than 365 facts in your time. Don’t feel bad though, it happens to the best of us.

Come to think of it, I’m actually even more susceptible than the average person to NOT getting my daily fact because I have had an on-going very aggressive case of can’t-go-to-class-because-I’m-a-lazy-fuck syndrome. It’s terrible really –

To make a short story long; Once upon a time, in a land quite close to where you are now, Alice awoke from her slumber. Bleary eyed and still feeling weak she looked around her little room, saw the golden sun streaming through the window, and thought to herself, “Fuck class, I’m going to the beach.” Since that day her life has been unbelievably busy and no matter how hard she tries she just can’t make it too class. Her day is just not long enough! She could do Speed or some other upper but she is anti-drugs. Therefore no matter what time she wakes up, or how late she go’s to bed, it is just not possible to fit in food shopping/studying/going for a run/ downloading new series/ cooking food/ having a hubbly/ visiting friends, AND going to class in the same day! She was diagnosed with the disease a month or 2 ago and since then it has further developed into a full blown way of life. To make matters worse she is extremely contagious and so is kept in a bubble suit, in a cage. It’s not very humane but sometimes we have to make sacrifices; a few casualties for the greater good.

But today my friend’s, we will take a step in the right direction, because I can teach you all something. I will give you a little secret, a little piece of information so valuable that it has the potential to change your life. It will give you a real goal. Motivate you even. You will become more ambitious (this also improves your sex appeal – no one likes a drop out) and notice that things will start to look up.

You ready for it? Ok.

Did you know, that it takes 10 000 hours of practice to be considered an expert at something. Ya! That’s right! 10 000 hours!!! I mean that’s nothing – a few days out of my year, for a few years. It’s a piece of pie. I mean just think, with 2 more hours of practice, I will be considered a Sex Guru. Now isn’t that just food for thought.

          Alice xxx

Another Typical wednesday Night

Lately shit has been going overboard, and I have been getting waaaaay too drunk. I’m not to sure what has been the cause, hopefully my record-high tolerance has dropped, but I can’t really be sure. I can’t even blame it on the Midmar specials anymore because after a year and a half of excessively drinking that shit, I am happy to say that my body is now immune, even hangovers are rare; although my eye sight has taken a hit – a scientifically proven fact linking cheap spirits to deteriorating vision.

The last few weeks have ended in many fuzzy memories, bitch fights, swearing at police officers, swearing at friends, lost shoes and bags, unexpected nap-over’s and tears. Many tears. And last night was no exception. Although I traded the tears for getting naked instead – a worthwhile swap, because although you feel better after both, the getting naked option is more enjoyable while it is happening, if you catch my drift..?

 I started the night with a law exam. Unfortunately my A.D.D had seriously kicked in and so the studying was startlingly unsuccessful, the result - only covering 6 of the 10 chapters. I pulled so much shit out of my ass in that two hours writing and spent 20% of the paper explaining how ‘Maria’ could break the law. Now I’m no expert but somehow I get the feeling that our lecturers would not be encouraging breaking the law and so my expectations are minimal...

 ANYWAY! After playing down downs with myself I moved on to Plush! What a beautiful way to start a night out. Those songs do nothing but make me unbelievably horny and wish that Rory Elliot would divorce his wife. I mean the guys not even that good looking, but you could throw a guitar on the ugliest guy on the planet and I will probably jizz my pants within 30 seconds.

From here the night became a bit of a blur. In De Lapa I took it upon myself to lecture a stranger about the way he was treating his girlfriend. It went something along the lines of:
“You are one of the ugliest mother fuckers I have ever seen, so when she leaves you, which she will, you WILL be alone.”


Surprisingly he didn’t take my constructive criticism very well and shoved me across the bar. Well that’s what I thought. I thought this was followed by a few punches too but apparently my time line of the night is a bit skewed. There was a bit of a tiff though when one of the guys saw me getting shoved and so we were asked to leave.

Unperturbed we moved on to Springboks. While walking there a little fucker ran past one of the guys and grabbed his phone out of his hand. The stupid piece of shit, however, did not realise that this guy’s mate was a personal trainer and so before he could even get across the street he found himself on the floor. All of the ‘muggers’ mates joined in, as did all the boys we were with and before I had even processed what was going on there was a huge brawl on the pavement and 2 cop cars had pulled up. After telling the cops what had happened the ‘mugger’ didn’t even get so much as a slap on the wrist – another beautiful example of exactly how corrupt and embarrassingly bad our police system is.



The rest of night is half a mystery. I had fun, danced some more, drank some more, talked lots of shit, took off his top, allowed him to return the favour, and woke up naked, satisfied and still drunk. All in all another typical Wednesday night.


            Alice xxx

Relationship Tip of the Week

I have yet to meet the perfect person, been to the perfect place or seen the perfect relationship.

The idea of "perfect" or "paradise" does not exist; it was gone before it was even experienced. Genesis, the beginning, Paradise lost. 

The mere fact that these words are still in our vocabulary seems ridiculous, as no-one has any type of understanding as to what it really means and if people create their own concept of paradise then surely there are too many of these ideas to exist simultaneously in this small world.

My point is, no one, or anything is perfect. We all have to learn to accept rather than criticise. In relationships we must learn to take the bad with the good. Just because your partner has one or two simple flaws, does not imply he/she is not meant for you. I guarantee you that you will spend your life time searching and will never find a flawless person. From eating habits to dress sense, there will always be something that makes your nipples curl. You just have to learn to handle it, as your partner should do with your flaws.

Learn to love and embrace the good and the bad in people. (Unless they are abusive psychopaths) 

Trust me; it will do the world of good for your relationship.

"Dont come here with that white tendency, go out bastard, bloody agent.". says Malema

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpIcwctC7nQ


- The Hatter

AWB General Secretary, Andre Visagie, loses it during interview - E News

 

07-04-10

Steve Aoki phone clips (edited)

Steve Aoki - Live at Assembly (02-04-10)

Top night!

Cyberpunkers coming soon! :D

Cape Town - Friday the 7th of May @ The Assembly- Cyberpunkers

http://www.facebook.com/pages/CYBERPUNKERS/181762678414#!/event.php?eid=112536345439877&ref=mf 

Get the Fuck OUT of the Fast Lane!!!!

Dear mother of god, now this is something I feel very strongly about. If the speed limit is 120km/h, and you’re driving 116km/h or less.... GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE FAST LANE!!! Please tell me what the fuck is going through your head as you take a Sunday drive down the highway while everyone else is revving up your ass and over taking you in the slow lane!?! I just don’t understand.

Maybe you’re retarded? But then why the hell are you driving! Maybe you didn’t see the sign taking us nicely from a limit of 100 to 120? Well then pay attention bitch and stop smsing! Or maybe you’re just an arrogant asshole who cant face the fact that you have a shit job and therefore a shit car, therefore not being able to reach higher speeds but you stil remain too fucking proud to pull over? Hmm.. I think that's it... Well heres some motivation to change your habits. Next time I come up behind you and your lack of acceleration and pride cause me to slow down, you might find my car so far up your asshole you wont be able to shit for a week. Thats if i don’t put a bullet through your head first.

          Alice xxx

The Cult.

The ginger haired Wranger has been part of our society since the beginning of time. If you are one of the luckier people in society who have not yet encountered this creature, let me give you a little description: they often bare the “Wranger mark” of being very pale, pasty skinned. This luminous skin tone that shines in the moonlight is often accompanied by a few hundred freckles that inhabit every nook and cranny of their beastly bodies. Some Wrangers realise that this is unattractive and grotesque, so they use fake tan to hide behind- at least they are considerate and try to protect the eyes of the general population from their bright white flesh. But do not be fooled, they are still Wrangers. Next, you might notice that when stepping into the sun, the Wranger lights up in an orangey –tinted glow, where every single bit of hairy fluff will be exposed as it glistens brightly. Wrangers also have the tendency to be very hairy, so this is a sure way to identify them. Their eye colour is usually a light green, or in some cases very dark, almost black. These types of Wrangers should be especially noted at they are more likely to be the leaders of the cult and are probably possessed by some supernatural life-force. Then we get the most distinctive feature of a Wranger, the intensely, vibrantly, cringer-ginger head hair! As they are in the minority of the worlds population, they can be easily spotted in any crowed. If life wasn’t entertaining enough, God decided to through a spanner in the works and created orange hair, just for shits and gigs.

Now you are probably thinking “uh, but the queen of hearts is a ginger in the movie”- well let me tell you smart ass, this is where me and my factitious character to not relate. I have been blessed with brunette locks that cascade down my back till just beneath my shoulder blades, and I’m proud of it! So don’t try and pull shit out your ass to defend the demons of society. Often though, a Wranger will call themselves “strawberry- blonde” bull shit! There is no such thing! You’re a fucking Ginger! Many of them also decide to dye their hair a different colour, they do this to survive adolescence and make it through the torturous childhood years, where the orange hair colour is at its brightest. Luckily we have other ways of identifying them. Seriously- how many adult Wrangers have you seen? Not many- they start to die off after the age of 23, this is because they dye hair, or they commit suicide from all the torment.


I bet all the Wrangers reading this, if there are any, are getting very angry right now. This is because gingers normally have aggression problems. Just like their hair colour, they are feisty little critters and can easily bite your head off and suck out your brain. Many of them have been diagnosed with bipolar- like Nicole Kidman and cannot be trusted if you find yourself being alone with them in a dark corner. Like a bomb, their temper can explode at any given moment. So refrain from talking to them all together.


It is believed that Wrangers communicate via telepathic communication, this is how they plan attacks on the world, and still keep it in secret. This is probably the main reason they are so feared- no one will ever know how or why, because it’s all in their heads. It is suggested that Wrangers are the actual cause of race or cultural feuds around the world that have been going on for centuries. The Nazi revolution, where the Jews were attacked, the Iran vs. USA war- where Pakistanians are being shot, Vietnam even- poor Asians! Apartheid, Xenophobia, Scotland vs. England, France vs. everyone! All instigated by the Ginger, whose sly and tactical ways will never be exposed. Open up your eyes people! Don’t be blinded by the carroty shine! Don’t pretend you don’t see them, don’t pretend you cant identify them, don’t pretend they are your friends! I have warned you and informed you- it is up to you to take this valuable information and make yourself responsible in ensuring a Wranger free world!