A Mad Hatters Tea Party: AH UUU, AH UUU, AH UUUSELESS TEAM!!!

ALICE:

The sweet poppet who felt confined in this world of politics, arranged marriages and lady like behaviour decided to follow a little white rabbit with a waist coat and accidentally fell down a hole! Well, what people don’t know about Alice is that she is a horny little fuck! And falling into that hole has done nothing but set her free in the land of dreams, where she can gallivant around butt-naked, tits out and hormones racing! Now, in this Wonderland of vodka flowing rivers that glisten like disco balls and topsy-turvey flowers that enchant you with their smiles, this blonde bomb shell is out to play, and play she will! Although she has the tendency to be horribly vulgar and quite sultry at the same time- she’s a load of fun and will probably get your blood pumping, in all the right places!

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS:

The Queen of Hearts is a bitch. Her title most ironic. The Queen has anything but a heart (nor a brain for that matter). In its place lies a chamber full of hate and anger, pumping rage through her every being, her body feeding off other peoples misery and misfortunes. The Queen of Hearts, unable to see others pain through her own vanity, has no remorse or guilt. She is brutally honest and delivers it as it is. No matter how grotesque or unwanted the news might be. Through all of this, however, the Queen has an attractiveness about her. Like a spell it draws you in. Even with her arrogance, vulgarity, and plain right rudeness, one cannot help but to like her. Slowly you get sucked in and before you know it you too are one of her cards, her minions, laughing at her insults and joining in the name-game. Her hilarious outlook on life and inability to hold back on anything draws you to the dark side in one swift swing of the club

Wednesday, March 17

AH UUU, AH UUU, AH UUUSELESS TEAM!!!

That’s right boys and girls. The time has come for the Maties (Stellenbosch) vs. Ikeys (UCT) Varsity Cup rugby game. Oh how we have waited for this!

It all started on a hot – VERY fucking hot – Monday morning. Now I’m not talking about that pussy hot that you’re used to where it’s just a mere ray on your pasty skin. I’m talking about mother hot where u can’t breathe. Where if u had to stand in the sun for one more than one minute you would be hospitalised with a 3rd degree burn. The kind of heat whereupon on walking up one flight of stairs you are sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop... We don’t pussy foot around here. THIS. IS STELLENBOSCH!!!

None-the-less, slowly but surely, the Maties of Matieland rose with smiles on their faces, threw on their Matie tops and started to get ready for the night of mayhem and madness that lay ahead. While some suck-up fuckers wormed their way to lectures, the rest of us fanned out in our rooms, frolicked in the splash pools, and stocked up on the liquor.

As the evening approached the town started to buzz with excitement. Us Maties were especially keen as there was not a doubt in our mind that we would end up victorious. I mean why wouldn’t we? We did win last year, and our team isn’t comprised of a bunch of pansies. It’s an easy guess. So with much vigour and swagger we made our way to the stadium. It was packed! Maroon out numbering blue 20 to 1 – a beautiful site. We got our seats, slandered the other team, and let the booze start flowing.

The game started with a bang. But not before the Ikeys were welcomed with a phenomenal boo. I have to admit, we were rather taken aback by the size of them. They were huge! I mean weren’t we supposed to be the big, boere farm boys? We put it down to massively overweight due to all the chemically modified, inorganic food that they ate and the fact that they don’t get enough sex. Or any sex at all. Obviously.

*whoooooooooooooooooooooooot!*
Surprise, surprise Maties scored first ,followed by a few more kicks and some beautiful tackles, while UCT pranced around the field doing fuck all except further confirming their useless reputation.

I am a firm believer in keep your friends close and your enemies closer, so at half time I went to find these vermin ‘friends’ of mine. Shit really got wild then. Surrounded by these mother fuckers we moved into the 2nd half. Maties were obviously feeling a bit sorry for the Ikeys because they let them get a few kicks and one try in. I thought this was sweet - a good reflection of Maties caring and friendly nature. I mean what other team lets their opponents score a bit so that they don’t completely destroy their reputation? Exactly! It was especially funny because this got the retards supporting them so excited they were about to shit them selves! Going ape shit as they screamed and shouted with their usual arrogance.

This euphoria, however, was short lived – for the Ikeys, as Maties got some more points and ended the game on top. I can’t say that we were surprised, nor that I didn’t tell you so, but we celebrated with style non-the-less - while UCT drowned their sorrows. A perfect way to start a night. And what a night it was. With town filthy packed, the smell of sweat lingering in our nostrils, and a bedtime of 7am, the night of March 8th is one for the books...

Alice xxx