AYOBAAAA!!!!

It’s a hustle and bustle like never before! We board the train, Vuvuzelas owning the ears of all, tight fit, everyone- Black. White, Coloured, Foreign assemble. The train is so packed that I haven’t felt this squished since my mother gave birth to me. The carriage rocks with “Scrumba” and every surface is being stomped for beat. Smiles invade all the faces. Colours, paint, wigs and flags, a yellow sea of T-shirts, one just as excited as the next. 30 minutes go by and not a single soul has lost enthusiasm. We arrive- Cape Town City Centre, it is a dancing stampede, filled with song, screams and whistle- lets not forget the “BAAA” of the VUVU’s. Fan Fest here we come! The sea moves along swimmingly as strangers join and create an orchestra of cheers. For the first time in South Africa we have controlled chaos- the laughing police officers says it all.



The tar of Long Street has disappeared. Instead people, hundreds and thousands of people cover it. From the balcony it all just seems like a smudge of yellow, back. green and red- with a few miss matched speckles in between. Traffic-light hawkers have probably never sold so much useless merchandise before, but it sure is fucking awesome! It seems a mass of ecstasy, as though everyone is drunk, perhaps they are, but for the most they are drunk on happiness at 12pm Friday 11 June 2010. This is what we have waited for, this is where we are, the World Cup is all around us, this is South Africa. The expectations could not have been better met as every shop in Town houses hordes of fans, selling out more stock in one day than would have in a month. SABC 1 flashes everywhere as we dance along the pavement.


PAUSE** a guy wearing an Irish cloak and lepricon hat- Ireland isn’t even in the World Cup. Oh well- he’s got the spirit, or had too many spirits…


Alcohol is flowing faster than the sea of people, I spin, stop. Focus, and continue sharing a spliff with a dude from Congo. Can this be what it’s actually all about? The unity amazes me, amazes us, amazes the tourists, the essence of 2010, so much more than just soccer, but a showcase of our heritage. The Vuvuleza outlives all voices and echoes through the streets, people might fade but the “Horn of Unity” stands strong.


Quote:


“It’s so fucking awesome guys, I can sit in traffic and just blow my VUVU and some other car will blow back!... It’s like having a conversation without words, they know exactly what we are saying when we blow!”


“It’s like having sex with random people from other cars!”


It’s now, we loving it, part of it completely, so involved, so proud, so happy. All I can say is, HELLO AFRICA!

An Experts Advice

Dr Phil is a fucking idiot. I can’t believe that eight years down the line he still airs; everyday. I mean do people actually watch that shit? When we are living in a world of magnificent technological creations like DSTV with its FOUR HUNDRED (jokes! It's actually 190. I counted) channels of non-stop entertainment and magic, why would you tune in to channel 132, SABC 2? You are asking for a total mind fuck, and not in a good way.

The reason for this outburst is because while procrastinating the other day, I found my brother watching this crap. The topic of the day – How to control your kids in certain situations. Well this was Doctor Phil’s advice on a few of the ‘stories’.

 

“Doctor Phil, my child is 7 years old and is completely obsessed with the way that she looks. She has a list of rules (i.e. no sweatshirts, no leggings, no stripes, no pleats, no zips, no mismatched colours, no creases, and so it goes on and on and on...). It takes her 2 hours to get ready for school – 50 minutes for choosing an outfit, 40 minutes for her hair, and 30 minutes for everything else. Please help me. It is not normal for a child of 7 to care so much about what she looks like.”

Now lady, I completely agree. There is a big problem here and one that will probably lead to Anorexia and death. When I was 7 I was still climbing trees, riding bikes, and thought that I was a boy. But no, not according to Doctor Phil, this was his advice:

"There is no problem here. All girls care about what they look like and what image they are portraying. Your daughter, like everyone else’s, has found her niche and so she dresses accordingly. She is trying to give off the image that suits her. No problem."

Well thanks doctor Phil, that sounds just about perfect. Good advice.

Next!

“Doctor Phil, the other day I got a call from school because my son, of 5 years old, had instigated a little cahoot during class. He got 5 boys to line up, and said that he would show them his if they showed him theirs. Is my child normal? Is he possibly homosexual? How do I control this situation?"

Doctor Phil –

"This is normal. It is just a case of curiosity, not sexuality. However, it is mildly inappropriate to condone this behaviour in the classroom, rather do it in the controlled environment of a home."

Jeepers’ creepers. The woman is soon going to be convicted of encouraging child pornography, and soon enough she will be running a full-on male brothel.

I have personally sworn never to watch that show again, and definitely not to EVER, EVER take Doctor Phil’s advice. From now on he will be referred to as Mr Phil; he doesn’t deserve the title Doctor. He’s a fucking idiot.


             Alice xxx

Self Pity is a Crutch

There is nothing worse than people who pity themselves. Now I don’t mean one can’t cry over a sore toe, a crushed ego or a broken heart, but seriously, those manically depressed individuals who think that they are alone in the world, that they are more ugly than anyone else, and that nothing they do is ever good enough.... can just grow the fuck up and chuck that sense of self loathing!

I get that depression can often be a chemical imbalance in the brain and cannot be helped without the use of anti-depressants, but PLEASE for the love of god, if you are going to waste away in self pity, suffer alone! Yes, it is even worse when you have a problem with yourself and feel the need to get everyone around you involved too.

“Does my ass look big in these?”

No, no really you look great, if you are worried, maybe try a bigger size?

“Oh so it does look big then, it’s too tight and that means I’ve gained weight..... (Not that I ever do anything about it)”

-no, man fuck! You look good; I was just saying that, if it bothers you...

“So first you said I look great, now it’s just good. I knew you thought I looked fat”

Ah! Please, are you crazy! You look fucking HOT!

“Ok now you are just patronising me! If you really thought that, you would have said it in the first place...”

SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH! Can you see how exhausting it is when you are around someone who needs constant reassurance!? And the thing that sucks is that generally people like this have a very sharp sense of humour and are incredibly witty (I mean there has to be some reason why they would have friends) Well their sense of humour which often makes use of sarcasm is due to the fact that they are constantly putting themselves down in their own minds and therefore probably have really good come- backs if they ever had to be involved in a ripping-off battle.

Another characteristic about these types is that they are so obsessed with comparing themselves to other people, to make sure that they fit the criteria of “normal” that every other endeavour in their lives becomes unproductive. Granted, these people often have already found their niche’ in life (because they analyse their own person so fucking much) and generally they excel in this, but it’s the only thing they can accomplish! They struggle to master the basic things in life like; keeping friends or knowing what is appropriate to say in a conversation or meeting new people (they choose to only surround themselves with long term friends and people who know them really well) and this is just fucking pathetic.

Try to see the world in terms of its bigger scheme; in fact just try to see the world. Get out of that enclosed, self-critical view that you have and open up your mind as to what is more important in life. It boils down to priorities and perception. Your average life, and your average looks are fucking average, and if it makes you feel better, “average” is like ‘standard’ or NORMAL. Stop making up problems, there are none, if you want to be a rebel, junky from a broken home and an abusive mother- then write a damn book, and you can live through your character. But for now, try and see how great your life is, and how much worse other people have it. I know you have probably heard this a thousand times before, but its true THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT!!!!!

You are wasting your life feeling like you’re odd and that people are watching you wherever you go, Wasting your life looking into every mirror or shop window that you pass, just to see your own reflection and to judge yourself, fucking wasting your life when you don’t want people to stare for too long – cause it might cause an awkward moment. There is far too much damage and dirt in this world for you to waste your life on something that exists only in your mind. The only one who is critical, judgemental, obnoxious and sad, is you! And if you do have a very unfortunate background that made you this way, I promise you that there is always someone who is worse off, always!

You need to stand proud, look at yourself in a different light and soon other will see you differently too. The secret is that when you think people are gazing at your imperfections and taking note of them critically, actually, the only thing they are looking at is the way you hate yourself so much. Yes, people can see it and they don’t understand why. Confidence can turn you into a pro-active, self- loving, contributing human being, instead of a miserable sod! No one is going to run up to you and scream “you’re beautiful and I love you!” so say it too yourself! When you can admit that to yourself, you can be free and approachable. Only then will love and admiration find you.

Queen <3

The Curse of Man

It is easy to spot someone who is not getting any action. All around the world, every day of the year, there are thousands of sexually deprived boys and girls who lurk in the valley of frustration, where not only single folk, but those that are in relationships too, get sucked into this ‘curse of aggravation’ and often make it very publically visible. 

Have you ever seen a dude in class, looking really strangely into the distance, while clenching his legs very close together? Then suddenly you notice that his eyes start travelling from one girl to the next as he searches for some visual stimulation. Well, that is a clear sign of someone in need of sexual satisfaction.  Then you have the girl who sits on a bench reading a novel, probably a romance, ‘Mills and Boon’ kind of shit. If you focus on her for long enough, you will begin to notice her cross her legs, then again to the other side, then she glances up to see who’s looking, then glances down again and continues alternating sitting positions while her cheeks blush. Boom! Horny, and wanting some lovin’.

Lets move on to those friends of yours who all of a sudden seem more edgy than usual, ready to snap at any minute. Lack of sex increases aggression and assault, and it is understandable. Jesus, if I were a hormone, escalating up and down as a thought aroused me, then had to settle again, without actually being able to blow, Fuck! I’d be ready to pound a brick into the face of the next person who smiles.

Masturbation is always an option in relieving such suffering, but I’m talking about those uncontrollable urges that people seem to randomly experience during the worst times, on campus, in class, or at work. Now unless you are like Runckle (Californication), you will have the decency to wait until you get home before “settling the storm.”

So you get home, what a fucking surprise, “Mom it’s so nice of you to visit!” She stays for dinner, you have to clean up, then your best friend calls for relationship advise, and the only advise you can give as to why ‘Johny won’t pay enough attention to Sally’, is “because you not throwing your pussy at him!!!!!”... With this, it’s pretty much a given that there is serious tension in the nether regions. No, not only the nether regions, in fact sexual frustration is much like a disease that takes over your entire body, slowly eating away at your every being....

I can only describe the same kind of pain and frustration to people who are creatively inclined and incapable of expressing their inner desires. It’s like an artist without a paintbrush, a singer without a microphone or a fat person without a burger! Desperately trudging through the day as your frustration starts to build, grinding away at your teeth until all you have left is gum, rubbing your hands around and around as your skin begins to flake, clenching your knees tighter and tighter until your knees are blue, bleeding from the inside... That is the horror of sexual frustration. That is the curse of man.

Yes, I write this as I too experience such dismay and feel that I have been infected with the disease. It is an incessant fluctuation of boiling blood that never seems to rest. Why we don’t have public ejaculation cubicles bewilders me, - but I guess that’s what one could call a prostitute. All I can do now to fight it is page through sport magazines, imagining the after match shower next to Victor Matfield, “Grr come to Mama you hunk of Cave- Man!”

Q <3

Steve Irwin? Who? It's Steve Benjamin... idiot...

These past few weeks of exams have got me thinking.... Mainly about my future of being a Chartered Accountant as that’s the direction I’m headed. I can’t say I’m extremely excited about the work I’ll be doing, but I’m excited about the cash, that’s for sure. We’ve all had our dreams of what we wanted to be when we grew up, mine began with ‘a ballerina on a horse’, and then it slowly progressed to a Formula One racing driver. I can’t say either worked, and I can’t say an accountant came into any of those dreams either. Ever. But we give up, forget, and move on.

Well I’m happy to say, one long-time friend of mine didn’t. Ladies and Gents, I give you, Steve Benjamin! At first meeting you’d think he’s a seemingly pretty down to earth, laid back sorta guy. Well let me tell you, he is anything but. He is one of the craziest mother fuckers I know, and soon to be one of the craziest mother fuckers you know! You see, Steve does deep-sea diving, but diving in a way that you’ve never seen before. He’s only 27 years old and he’s seen more than you and I will probably ever see in our life.

He free dives with all those beautiful creatures that we hope and pray we will never, EVER bump into. His love in life – sharks. He follows them , and our other marine friends around the world, swimming with them and capturing the moments. Just looking at the pictures makes me shit myself a million times over, the thought of actually being right in front of the beast, capturing the photo, sends my mind racing to images of blood and missing body parts, and my heart into a rapid frenzy of minor heart attacks...

But not for Steve. See for yourself! I give you – Steve and the Beasts!

More photo's after the break!

A Girl's Gotta Do What A Girl's Gotta Do...

Now there are some things in my life that I can let slide. Forget about, get over, move on. They become less hot, less funny, and I find myself wondering why the fuck I was ever interested in the first place!? I can look and I can look but no matter how hard I observe this male specimen, the reason is just beyond me.


But sometimes, no matter what, the attraction remains and they make it onto my “To Do” list. For reasons I can’t explain I just can’t let them slide. I do not have any romantic feelings towards them anymore or any of that nauseating crap, there is just a curiosity of what would it be like the 2 of us in the sack. Would we gel? Would I orgasm? Would it be an awesome no-strings-attached-yet-there-is-a-bit-of-a-history fuck?


I mean the list is just fool proof! It’s a 100% guarantee of a good time. It’s brilliant really. It’s better than the normal one-night-stand (and they are pretty good too) because you have actually thought about this, fantasised over it even. It doesn’t come as a surprise when you wake up in the morning after a big night out; surrounded by the lingering smell of sweat, cigarettes, and sex, cum stains on your bed, and your vag feeling a bit raw. You had this planned! And now you can pat your self on the back, count your victory, swim in the sensation of accomplishment, and cross him off the list!


My “To Do” list I take very seriously, and it is definitely not something that I rush. Once the “chosen person” is on this list he is there for life, and in the end, we WILL do the nasty. It’s not a long list, only a select few, but so far it’s been great fun. It really puts ones priorities in order.


I highly suggest you make a “To Do” list. Just think about how once the deed is done, the sense of accomplishment that you will feel!? It’s phenomenal. But there needs to be a limit – certain criteria need to be met, other wise you will find every friend’s ex-boyfriend, old best friend, boss, and friend’s brother on there. It will become a list longer than Hugh Heffner’s and that is quite a feat. You don’t want to be disappointed at the end of your days when your list is only half complete. You want to be ecstatic - dying with a smile on your face because you know that you fucked the shit out of every lucky guy that wandered onto the list!


          Alice xxx

Simon Cowell vs. Quincy Jones

A few weeks ago I showed you the Haiti tribute song, produced by Quincy Jones. It made it to number one on ITunes and so far has raised over 63 million dollars! Now it was absolutely amazing and pretty unbeatable, but Simon Cowell challenged Mr Jones, ensuring that he would come up with a better compilation.

Well I followed up on that, and he did. Simon Cowell created a re-make of R.E.M’s Everybody Hurts, comprising of 21 stars like Leona Lewis, Mariah Carey, Jon Bon Jovi, Robbie Williams, Kylie, Rod Stewart, Alexandra Burke, Miley Cyrus (who has been lucky enough to feature in both tributes), Cheryl Cole, Mika, Michael Bublé, James Blunt, James Morrison, Susan Boyle, Westlife, and others.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ts1HxVopG2k


Another phenomenal re-make! Hugely moving. A bit more graphic than the other tribute what with the people stuck in the rubble and all, but it’s necessary. If it actually came down to it I’d have to say that I prefer Quincey's version, but it really doesn’t matter.


Someone else, however, was not quite as positive about the whole thing... This is what they had to say:

“A humanitarian disaster of unimaginable proportions has hit a country long buckling from centuries of corruption and poverty. And what is pop’s response? Everybody hurts. It’s not just you, poor things. We poor creatures hurt too. “When the day is long” – hey, we sympathise, those aftershocks must be a right bitch, especially when you don’t know when they’re going to bury your family home deeper in debris – and “the night is yours alone” – especially when your wife and children are dead, and you haven’t got any food or water, that must be a right bummer – well, “hang on”. That’s what pop says: “hang on”. The temerity of that lyrical twist, its jaw-dropping tastelessness, telling people that have had to hang on already, forever, to just bolster their spirits in the face of devastation – a state unknown to pop stars who wouldn’t piss in a bottle for less than ten grand – makes it pop’s grimmest moment of all time.”

http://thequietus.com/articles/03670-haiti-appeal-everybody-hurts-rem-simon-cowell
Hmmmm... Once put like that the lyrics do seem a bit ironic, but I can’t say I’m going to get all worked up about it. In the end it isn’t the song but the visual imagery that people react and respond to. Like they’ve always said, a picture is worth a thousand words...


              Alice xxx

Look Out! International Awesomeness Heading Our Way!!!

Friday, is the day my friends! It’s the last time to go totally ape shit before exams begin, and what better way is there to do that than at Assembly with Haezer, Grave Danger, Bruce Willis, Lapse, Blush ‘n Bass, and INTERNATIONAL awesomeness Cyberpunkers!!! That’s right boys and girls, they’re here. They are doing a South African tour, saying hello to CT, Jozi, Durbs, a host of other places, and even Stellies! You can’t say no. People are going to be talking about it. You WILL miss out. If you refuse, it will do nothing but take you back to those feeling of isolation, those feelings that always arose when your pure little innocent virgin self was sitting amongst a group of whores as they discussed their favourite sex positions. You don’t want that to happen again do you?



I thought not. So be there or be square!

Alice xxx

It's a Tough Life

Now I haven’t posted something in a while. I’ve wanted to, but there just hasn’t been time. I’m not too sure why because I still have not attended lectures (It’s going on nearly 6 weeks of unattended class, a frightening and horrific statistic), I still have not joined the gym (especially after I went for a run about 2 weeks ago and fucked up my leg so badly that I had to skip for four kilometers back to the car), and I still have not looked at a textbook or done that assignment that was due for 2 weeks ago. None-the-less, life has been hectic! The social calendar has been off the charts!


To try and create a bit of a lull in this department, I decided to stay in Stellenbosch for the weekend and to do some work. Everyone seemed to be going to Cape Town and so I would have nothing to do except work. Well that was a fail. Some Cape Town mates came up on Friday to watch Die Antwoord. It ended up being an awesome, eventful night; although I missed Die Antwoord due to my empty wallet, got hit on by a man that looked like he could be my grandfather, walked into a tree, fell down a flight of stairs, apparently hooked up, and found my friend passed out against my front door, using the step as a pillow. On a positive note I partied in great company, didn’t spend much money (there was nothing to spend), got free Mc Donalds, got a random lift home, and got to jam to PH Fat!


And so, with that, Saturday rolled in. I had planned to spend the day alone, with nothing except my books and an overdose of self-discipline. That was until The Queen rocked up. Before I knew it I had been to the Food Fair, returned, gotten comfy on the balcony, and popped open a bottle of champagne. Two hours later I found myself in Blouberg Strand with 5 other girls, 3 Gin and Tonics down, and another in my hand. Self discipline is not my friend.


Not long after, The Queen and I were absolutely motherless jamming in Stones and Buckleys; not having paid for one drink, having played hundreds of games of pool, and having made thousands of friends. Two of these lucky boys found their way home with us whereupon we partied until the sun came up, chilled on the beach, and then waved them off at 6am; pretending not to have noticed that they had reversed into the house – denting their Merc and leaving a huge black mark on the wall.


And so... Sunday swung by. After spending the whole day on the beach we decided to settle down and do some work. On Saturday I had consoled my self-loathing at my pathetic capability of being able to get my priorities in order, take life seriously, and do some work, by taking my bookbag along to Blouberg. It had worked and I felt good, but oh boy was that short lived. You see while I was frolicking on the beach doing fuck all except further confirm how useless I am, some sneaky mother fucker snuck into the house and grabbed the first thing he saw – my bookbag! Seriously.
We were sure that he must have dumped it and so we commenced our search for the bright green bag. We found a bag alright, but not my bag. We found the owner of it using nothing but a Temporary drivers licence and a video card (the only things remaining in his wallet). What detectives are we!?! It's insane!This guy, Nicolas, had had his car broken into earlier that day and because there was nothing but Bible books and verses in there, the thief had dumped it. I’m still trying to figure out if his bag was left because it’s contents would bring karma, a moral conscience, and hell, or because the contents were of no worth to him...


Either way some motherfucker is sitting happily; covering my exam pad with stick men as he tries out every coloured highlighter known to man, while trying to figure out what planet a flash-disk originates from, with the assurance that he will definitely get laid tonight seeing as he just bestowed his wife with a beautiful green bag from Germany, smiling as he looks down at his hand, the R250 remaining of my food money looking lovely in his grubby paws, while his toes curl above the warm flames slowly enveloping and devouring my years worth of hand written notes. Fucking Great.


       Alice xxx

"If you're gonna kill someone, do it in Norway."

This Prison is Nicer Than Your Home - Gawker